A Muted Disposition

Miscarriage. Muted Disposition. Silent Loss. No Heart Beat. 

I never thought it could happen to me, I have already had one healthy pregnancy and a wonderful baby boy. I am active and I enjoy eating healthy and indulging in ice cream once in a while (or a lot) who's to judge right?

I never in a million years thought I would experience a loss, but what I have learned is that so many women experience loss and there is this underlying current of silence that occurs. We question ourselves and our bodies ability to bare a child. The mind is so powerful, and we have the power to create something so beautiful -or- something so dark and lonely. 

I cried to my husband and my light was so dim, I said some horrible things about myself. "My body can't even carry a baby, I failed".  My husband kindly reminded me, "No your body is so amazing and intelligent that it was able to recognize that something was not right, it knew not to continue with this pregnancy."

He was right, I am fearfully and wonderfully made and my body is strong and equipped for anything that presents itself. Miscarriages happen,  and if it has happened to you, its important to realize you are not alone and the chances of having a future healthy pregnancy are very good. 

Moving forward from this can't be easy but I want to share how I am choosing to move forward and shine my light,

  1. Talking about it: Sharing my story not only with my close friends and family but with my community and network. Sharing my loss, my feelings, my fears, and my future.
  2. Grieving: Honoring the beautiful soul I had the opportunity to carry for 11 weeks and know I have an extra angel looking out for me
  3. Keeping up with my fitness: My body is a vessel and I will continue to keep it strong and healthy. Running, Yoga, Pilates and Barre are a few of my favorite was to stay fit.
  4. Nutrition: Although I may lose my pregnancy cravings for spicy foods, I will still enjoy my morning avocado doused in hot sauce and hemp seeds. I will continue to make my morning smoothies and protein shakes (yay for baby booster which is perfect for moms trying to conceive too!) and because I believe everything in moderation... I will enjoy a doughnut or some ice cream here or there.
Thank you so much to everyone who has reached out to me, to everyone who has been inspired by breaking the silence and sharing their experience with me. 

To those who have experienced a loss, you are not alone!  Feel free to share your story, chime in, or shine your light. You are loved and there is a BIG plan in store for you.

My Story:
On March 2nd I took my first pregnancy test and it came back with 2 stripes! I took one again on the 3rd, and 4th, and then confirmed with my GYN on March 9th. YES, I was expecting #2. I went in for my first appointment with my midwife on March 28th (8 weeks pregnant) We Identified my EDD as 11/10/2016. With a little uncertainty  of this date, we decided to book an ultrasound for my 9 week appointment. 

At the ultrasound we got to see the baby and the flickering heartbeat. The size of the baby was measuring at 7 weeks, not 9. I took this as truth and then went about my week. One night  something just didn't make sense.. the dates just didn't add up, the baby couldn't have been conceived then. So I contacted my midwife and she suggested that I come in for another ultrasound to see the babies growth and measure the EDD. 

On April 18th we went in for an 11 week (or 9 week) ultrasound and there was no flicker of light.... no heartbeat. There had been no growth or change in size for 2 weeks.

I am scheduled to have my D&C tomorrow and sharing this story has helped in the healing process.

Thank you for allowing me to share

Love and Light,

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